1-Low-tech stock-class games.
2-Tape to your regular 'gun as a bayonet.
3-High-velocity ketchup dispenser.
4-Redundant superfluous emergency last-ditch back up ‘gun .
5- Paint-filled whack-bonk.
6-Small garden trowel.
7-Fishing weight/lure for dumb fish.
8- Table leveler.
9-Bake it in a cake for an inmate.
10-Mount two as a toilet-paper holder.
11-Glue upright to table to hold pencils.
12-Recycle into something useful.
13-Fill a box.
14- Get a cat out of a tree.
15-Throw at girlfriends’ window to wake her up.
16-Dog chew toy/fetch-stick .
18- Biiiig key fob.
19- Cattle marking. (Yeah, its a long shot, but hey...)
20- Smack cars to set off alarms.
21-Cheap fodder for experimenting with weird modifications .
22- Wheel chock if your emergency brake doesn’t work.
23- Alarm clock shutter-offer.
24- Heat in oven, flatten with steamroller, form into boomerang, throw.
25- Two words: Indoor puffball!
26- Use as Monopoly Gamepiece, squash that damn wheelbarrow thing.
27- Sharpen muzzle to core apples.
28- Tie behind Grooms’ car at weddings.
29- Blow dust out of your keyboard.
30- MIT students: More capacitor-discharge experiments.
31- Medical students: Vivisection?
32- Skip them across ponds.
33- Shoot TV when #@*&%$ AT&T/10-321 commercials come on.
34- Use to clean carpets, ‘cause it sucks.
35- Trade it for a CO2 fill.
36- Try to convert it to semiauto, give up, leave parts in bucket in back of garage.
37- Bury in time capsule, prove to future generations that, yes, we DID shoot crappy guns way back then.
38- Buy all you can, reduce to raw parts, open Talon Junkyard, make fortune.
39- Slip into friend’s carry-on luggage just before he leaves for long trip.
40- Sell to NASA as budget shuttle heat tiles.
41- Whack friend on back of head so you can swipe his Dew.
42- Sell to AllAmericans at hefty profit when nuclear EM pulse disables their Shockers.
43- Collect like boxtops, send back to Brass Eagle in trade for Rainmaker.
44- Launch into orbit, watch reentry, repeat.
45- Buy one because it’s cheap, then spend $200 upgrading it, then sell for way less ‘cause it still sucks.
46- Learn to juggle.
47- Sink en masse` off shores of Cayman Islands as artificial reef.
48- Take into bank, win your own parole officer.
49- Use in place of junk cars when Bigfoot races GraveDigger.
50- Use as barrel plug in better gun.
51- Show off at parties, pick up chicks.
52- Weight down CD player lid to get it to work.
53- Wrap with fiberglass, try to fill it to 4500 psi. Try again. And again.....
54- Send to Conan O’Brien show, have them install it on PimpBot.
55- Chill to near-zero with liquid nitrogen, smash with hammer, send to buddy as 3-D puzzle.
56- Shoot “Viagra” pills at old guys.
57- Use as large-caliber rifle target.
58- Send to foreign Armies to use to find land mines.
59- Encase in rubber cement, use as superball.
60- Dip in paint, throw at canvas, sell as modern art.
61- Use in bad “B” movie as futuristic ray gun.
62- Get box, string, “free Talons” sign; set trap for newbies.
63- Give to MacGuyver, take bets to see if he can do anything with it.
64- Shoot Kryptonite balls at Superman.
65- Jump up and down on it as ‘stress-relief’.
66- Encase in lucite, sell at roadside stands on Arizona backroads.
67- Write comprehensive article on it for popular magazine in a misguided effort to add “tech” article.
68- Leave in hot sun, stretch like those old pepsi bottles.
69- Add milk for a crunchy new breakfast cereal.
70- Take it to a computer store, ask the guy how many Kbps it’ll do.
71- Wedge on gas pedal as cheap cruise-control.
72- Donate to underpriveleged kids who can’t afford a real paintball gun.
73- Shoot guy in theater who answers cell phone during the climax of ‘Godzilla’.
74- Novelty jellybean dispenser.
75- Use in morning ritual sacrifice to the Paintball Gods to ensure fruitful day’s play.
76- Sell to Laboratory for scientific experiments.
77- Prop up sagging barricades.
78- Soak in acetone, pour into “happyface” mold, mail to JJ Brookshire.
79- Pack into burlap bags, give to National Guard for flood control.
80- Write pointless article of dubious humor for no particular reason, then actually TELL people you did it.
81- Gold plate a bunch, then sell as “Franklin Mint” Commemorative Series collectibles.
82- Add VL-3000 and Max Flow nitrogen system, insist to friends that you will be competing at World Cup.
83- Use as a symbolic icon in your newly-founded religion.
84- Line wife’s garden edges.
85- Saw off upper half, glue TV remote to grip for cool new channel-flicker.
86- Give to kids as fun bath toy.
87- Stand next to Splatmaster owner so his gun looks better by comparison.
88- Glue a bunch together to make cheap bicycle helmet.
89- Run microwave oven durability tests.
90- Carve out internals, install Automag guts; take to AGD repair trailer at tourney, tell ‘em to fix it.
91- Mail to David Letterman show to revive their old “80 ton press” bit.
92- Paint black with flames, slick back your hair, tell newbies you used to play in the ‘50s.
93- Take dozens of photos, put up internet “Talon Shrine” in effort to get mentioned in “The Useless Pages.”
94- Give as presents to friends that you really don’t want involved in paintball.
95- Buy up used ones for testing adhesives, glues and plastic repair kits.
96- Start a Brass Eagle pool: Bet on which craps out first, the Talon or the Eagle 68.
97- Sell to indoor ‘playlands’ for use in bins instead of those plastic balls.
98- Throw over cliff to test winds before base-jumping.
99- Drill full of 1/8” holes, use as soup-strainer.
100- Drop boatload overboard to help chart ocean currents.
101-Glue to board as “Weather Talon”; If gun is wet, it’s raining; if gun is white, it’s snowing..... etc.
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